Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Lessons in Prohibition: One

"Holy lack of self control, Batman!"


Cornell University Department of Physics-A P6510 Auxiliary Report

Introduction:
I feel terrible. Batman made me feel terrible. Batman also cost me 20 bucks.



Theoretical Background:
You see, it's pretty natural for humans to place the mind and body within hypothetical constraints. "What would it be like to be deaf/blind? What if you didn't have an arm? What if you were forced to watch reruns of Quantum Leap for 24 hours straight?". I guess this is in some way a thinking-man's survival instinct. It's always prudent to be prepared, even if just emotionally, and Scott Bakula can be kinda pushy.

We here at the Virtuosi believe in preparation. That's why we've decided to convert one of our own (me) into a guinea pig. It is our goal to apply some actual constraints to a real mind (mine) and to observe the results, thereby gleaning valuable insights into how humans (me) respond to adverse conditions (psychological torture).

Experimental Procedure:
This week we started small. My task was the simple omission of a single word from my written and spoken vocabulary. The word should be innocuous enough that I wouldn't usually say it, but common enough not to be obscure. The word chosen was BATMAN. I was to expressly abstain from the use of BATMAN, else risk a monetary penalty (20 bucks), and if I were successful after 1 week, I would gain a monetary reward (20 bucks). This experiment (bet) began two days ago. I have obviously failed.

Data Tables:
Data in this case, and always, will be presented with the utmost objectivity (stream of consciousness).

Day one:
Ha This is really easy Everybody keeps mentioning Shatfan** though I don't even know what we're testing I do kinda wanna say it though 20 bucks Shatfan feels kinda dirty Whatever this is dumb I have homework maybe I should just stop thinking about Shatfan Nah This is kinda fun I don't wanna lose 20 bucks I liked Val Kilmer as Shatfan, I can't believe Nic disagrees Catban Batmatt HA thought I lost it there NOWP there are so many alternatives Shut the hell up Corky [possessor of said $20] Oh man everybody knows about this bet I might lose What if someone asks me about fratcan in class?

Day two:
I actually feel kinda gross thinking about Shatfan he's like in my mouth please get him out this is all people talk about when I'm around oh yeah thanks for that this week will at least be comical hey this might offset the 500 bucks I owe corky maybe I could just say it and not tell anybody ah but no that's not science and this is very obviously science manbat tabnam batfarm man of bats shatbat oh hey dad whats up yea we're doing this thing where I cant say BATMAN...

Dad: oops! uh....

Me: crap. I have phone calls to make. I'll talk to you later dad. *click*

Post Failure Data:
Batman is dirty. I don't even want to say it now.
----------------------------------------------------
**Shatfan is the preferred euphemism for BATMAN.

Analysis:
We therefore conclude it is impossible (for me) not to say BATMAN for longer than approximately two days. It was assumed by observers that the continual substitution of Shatfan and derivatives (highlighted above) for BATMAN was purely cavalier. This is false. While a bit of joviality was included in the experiment, a vast majority of euphemisms used were to assuage psychological tension. This was accompanied by laughter to maximize psychological relief. Obviously experimental procedures must be altered. We propose now an alternate method of success, via locking the subject in his office for a week.

Conclusions:
In this report we find that I am a weakling, and that the experiment was kind of lame. However, as a test run for future Prohibitive Tests (PTs) we find the concept promising, in that when Scott Bakula comes around, I'll be the only one ready to take him on.

Current developments in PTs include subject which are not fit for print, and thus the authors invite suggestions in which a mundane aspect of my life will be removed for the greater good of mankind.

Acknowledgements:
The authors would like to acknowledge that Corky is a shatfan. Stay tuned for more.

-Jared

1 comment:

  1. I forgot about this and then reread it. Best 20 bucks ever won.

    ReplyDelete